President, Anyone? (4)

By George von Gernet
Published: 21.04.2011 14:15

The sky's second sun. ( Photo: Reuters/Scanpix )

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George von Gernet reflects on why anyone would want to be president of Estonia.

I sent this cartoon idea to ERR News: 

Nursultan Nazarbayev is together with Toomas Hendrik Ilves, both wearing only towels and mud is being smeared on them by a spa worker who looks suspiciously like Borat. 

Nazarbayev to Ilves: "Will this work better to prevent ageing if I eat it?"

Ilves responds: "Try it on Estonia's delicious black bread!"

But spa-worker Borat has a thought bubble which trumps Mr. Ilves' obligatory diplomacy: "Ask your poor countrymen who eat it every day."

ERR News rejected it. I guess because I'm not cut out to be a cartoonist.

Lately, a few people around my office have wondered why nobody seems to want to be president of Estonia. My theory is that it can't be much fun most of the time. A visiting despot who's been christened "another sun in the sky" or "Papa" comes to town and you have to show him around. You're expected to make small talk, and you're not allowed to ask him if he didn't find the smallest amount of humor in "Borat." Then you have to bestow upon him a state decoration: maybe not the highest honor but also not one of those green cardboard neck-hangers from a bottle of Zelenaya Marka.

Or maybe you have to spend time with Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il, a man with a magical ability to control the weather based on his mood and an amazing prowess on the golf course (he averages four holes-in-one per round). Or Saparmurat Niyazov, leader of Turkmenistan, model for a 12-meter, gold-plated statue which rotates to always face the sun. (He's dead, by the way, replaced by Gurbanguli Berdymukhamedov. And as president, you'd have to learn to pronounce that.)  

And when you're not hanging with insane world leaders, you're off visiting a grade school where you're required to fake interest in their new computer lab and talk about the importance of respecting teachers. Or you're touring a pillow factory or making a speech to a Rotary club or even addressing the nation, scolding citizens to come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together and try to love one another right now. And maybe every once in a while you get to go to a concert where you're in the front row just hoping that this particular movement in the Pärt symphony will never end so you can sit there and bathe in your own pleasant thoughts and, damn, damn, damn, there goes that telephone again vibrating in your pocket. 

Sure, hanging with Barack Obama is cool, but how often does that happen? And then what do you get? Shuffled in and out for your 30 minutes and a photo op? It's not like he says, "Hey, Mr. President of Estonia, I really think we've hit it off so why not come up to my private quarters for a peanut butter sandwich and a chat with Michelle?" And you really would have enjoyed that peanut butter sandwich since every night in Estonia you eat the same damned thing because every ceremony is catered by Frens.

But then there's this: As president, you can leave the world a better place than you found it. You can sidle up to Mr. Nazarbayev, put your arm around him, and ask him, if Borat's charges happen to be true, to end the hunting of gypsies for sport and stop throwing Jews down the well and not to seek joy in shooting dogs. You can praise him for letting women travel on the inside of buses and for having some of the cleanest prostitutes in all of Central Asia. You can tell him that you love him for who he is and not just because he’s got a buttload of gas and oil. You invite him to stay with you in Kadriorg, to sleep on the couch and eat whatever’s in the fridge. You sip Maxwell House together and then go rollerblading. Maybe later you go to a spa together and get smeared with mud. And you let him eat some, too. Because after all this he’s become your friend, and you really do want to see him live forever.

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Comments (4)

  • mariannm…M

    22.04.2011 04:26

    True you have no privacy and are not allowed to make an off color remark even in jest. You can never be too tired for truly boring assemblies and how many different ways can you say we welcome you to estonia and hope you are enjoying yourself and you can appreciate how far we have come in 20 years. Our language is similar to finnish but over the years we have acquired words from german russian french swedish and now english....maybe estonian is the true international language too bad so few know how to speak it. Estonians have a great education system and score very well on international tests for science and math. Estonian design is just starting to make its name and quality has always been important to Estonians as they have always taken pride in their work both at home and abroad. They are just not very gooid at boasting without a few drinks. Estonia has been lucky to have presidents like Meri and Ilves and I hope there is another young woman or man who is willing to put their personal life on hold for 5 yrs just to have their name in a history book. Good lucl and many thanks to ilves.

  • John Kennedy

    22.04.2011 09:39

    I knew John Kennedy. John Kennedy was a friend of mine. You're no John Kennedy. Meri was a great. He knew just what to say, and when and where to say it. He had a flare for the dramatic with a mind to back it. I'd like to see Mr Ilves take a second term and really push his agenda Meri style. Press conferences in bathrooms, "scum on the state cauldron" and all that jazz. Give 'em hell, Tombo.

  • The Historian's Perspective

    23.04.2011 13:21

    Yes, I think you are on to something with the rollerblading. I always thought that if someone had taken Hitler golfing it would have shown him some humility.

  • B.S. (yes, it's an initialism)

    02.06.2011 03:33

    @ mariannm…M Estonian design has actually been very famous and clamoured for throughout Soviet times, especially when it comes to light fixtures. Various light fixtures were specially designed and manufactured for party bosses in the Soviet Union in Estonia's Estoplast factory, some even made to the highest levels. Many were exported to numerous countries that were friends with the Soviet Union. The plant and its beautiful museum, unfortunately, are no more. See Postimees' article "Estoplasti kadunud valgust meenutades" (in Estonian), article id is 430899.