Sizing Up The Competition at Eurovision (1)

Copenhagen is the site of tonight's contest. (Wikipedia Commons)
5/6/2014 8:09 PM
Category: Opinion

As the Eurovision contest gets underway, columnist Stuart Garlick sizes up the acts you will see in the first semifinal tonight.

Armenia: Aram MP3, "Not Alone"
A power ballad about a man comforting a woman. There's a nice string section, that builds progressively, and then BLOODY HELL there's a dubstep shouty bit. That'll give a few pensioners a heart attack. Contender.

Latvia: Aarzemnieki, "Cake to Bake"
It begins a bit James Blunt, only to reveal worse rhymes and a man who seems to base his accent and cloying persona on the aforementioned man who saw his ex on the subway and thought we'd be interested. "I've got a cake to bake," says the mockney git, making this a shoo in for the next Sara Lee ad campaign.

Estonia: Tanja, "Amazing"
Tanja has been working hard at every aspect of the act, "Amazing" may be derivative, but since when has it been a crime for a good pop song to sound like others? A tune that sounds "Top 10", and world-beating choreography. Let's see, but it looks good for Estonia this year.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen, "Undo"
I'd listened to most of the Swedish Melodifestivalen entrants, but hadn't picked this as getting to Eurovision. Nonetheless, the home of Abba and the legendary Roxette was never going to give us a bad song. This one isn't bad ... It's just that in spite of sounding polished and defiant, the chorus is not the easiest to remember, which could be costly in the latter stages.

Iceland: Pollapönk, "No Prejudice"
Remember in the British version of The Office, when Ricky Gervais` character said he'd come up with a song called "Equality Street" about treating people fairly? Well this might have been the result. The outfits are straight out of Iceland's most successful export, "Lazytown", the song is straight out of a mediocre indie songwriter`s bin. And how can you write a song about prejudice, but chicken out of even mentioning gay rights?

Albania: Hersi, "One Night's Anger"
The song is called "One Night's Anger", and yet this hostage to fortune doesn't detract from a decent tune that takes cues from The Corrs` "Runaway", fronted by a Shakira sound-a-like.

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters, "Shine"
Not the first time in recent history that Russia has sent people abroad and asked people for their opinion, perhaps, although one wishes that what was sent could always be this anodyne. Utterly forgettable, but the girls are pretty, and that counts for something when the contest is televised.

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova, "Start A Fire"
"Running Scared" was a wonderful song that deserved to win a few years back, but this doesn't start even a camp fire for me. Unlike Armenia, the Azeris haven't thrown in a cheeky bit of dubstep, and so lose points with this reporter.

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk, "Tick-Tock"
Resisting the chance to send a protest song, Ukraine have gone for perhaps the even better option: a copper-bottomed pop hit with a massive disco production, a chorus you can remember just from reading the title, and every chance of winning. A true contender.

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux, "Mother"
A quivering voiced tenor with a paean to his mother. It would win the X Factor on its own in 2007, but the whole Andrew Lloyd Webber shtick feels pretty dated, especially from the country that brought us Soulwax and David Guetta.

Moldova: Cristina Scarlet, "Wild Soul"
"What am I, am I human?" asks Cristina Scarlet (no relation to the 1960s TV puppet character Captain Scarlet of British sci-fi), in possibly the song most obviously written after watching an X-Men marathon. It's an identikit dubby shouty ballad and should be treated with caution usually reserved for week-old pizza you find in the fridge.

San Marino: Valentina Monetta, "Maybe (Forse)"
Our favorite republic that we all secretly thought was part of Italy has given Eurovision a ballad that reminds me of a Timothy Dalton-era James Bond theme. A bit like the Andrus Ansip-lookalike actor, it's reliable, but not good enough in the role it's trying to play.

Portugal: Suzy, "Quero Ser Tua"
The country that had us singing along to Michel Telo`s monster hit about chasing girls two summers ago, whether we knew the language or not, has gone for heavy makeup, high camp, JLo style shimmying, and topless male bongo players. Like it or not, it'll be in the final on Saturday.

Netherlands: The Common Linnets, "Calm After the Storm"
The Common Linnets remember American country duo Lady Antebellum, and have come up with a smooth, well produced and efficient slice of emotive soft rock, that sounds more Nashville than Netherlands, and is welcome variation from the Europop. Deserves to be in the final, might do even better than that.

Montenegro: Sergej Ćetković, "Moj Svijet"
Oh brother. An Irish tin whistle treads just far enough from Céline Dion`s "My Heart Will Go On" to avoid a lawsuit, but I'm still left wondering if the mountainous Balkan nation believes it's still 1999. No, it won't do.

Hungary: András Kállay-Saunders, "Running"
Ooh, powerful minor key chords, followed by a story of a crying daughter that might or might not reference domestic violence. There is the obligatory attempt to make a downbeat song seem more exciting than it is; there is too much tinkering on the production, the drum and bass parts on the chorus seeming like turd-polishing.

Stuart Garlick is a journalist and blogger based in Tallinn. Since 2012 his blog, Charm Offensive, has offered insight into Estonian music, fashion and food.


The name field cannot be empty
No more than 50 characters
Comment field cannot be empty
No more than 50 characters
Comment field cannot be empty
No more than 1024 characters
{{error}}

Message forwarded to the editor

This Ip-address has limited access

See also

There are no comments yet. Be the first!

Reply to comment

+{{childComment.ReplyToName}}:
Reply to comment
Reply

Laadi juurde ({{take2}})
The name field cannot be empty
No more than 50 characters
Comment field cannot be empty
No more than 1024 characters
{{error}}
Add new comment
  • foto
    Opinion digest: Estonia needs hands-on approach to promote foreign trade
    17.01

    Talking about foreign trade, there are no simple solutions, which is what makes it an unpopular topic with politicians. All the while, Estonia needs an active minister that could work in just that particular area, former minister of trade and entrepreneurship and current Reform Party MP Anne Sulling writes.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Hannes Rumm on the yet-unseen reconciliation in the Reform Party
    16.01

    The events of Friday’s meeting of the Reform Party leadership, in which the new chairman Hanno Pevkur switched out party secretary general Reimo Nebokat and director of the regional development division Kalev Lillo following a 7:6 vote, showed that the the party remained polarized, found Hannes Rumm, one of the hosts of Sunday's Vikerraadio broadcast "Samost ja Rumm."

  • foto
    Imbi Paju: Can our shared culture manage to save the world?
    14.01

    As the media is dominated by headlines which stir up memories of political threats, torture, deporations and escapes from years of occupation in the Baltics, Estonian author and filmmaker Imbi Paju considers whether culture is enough to keep man's basic instict for destruction in check.

  • foto
    Rain Kooli: Calling fake news 'alternative media' like calling outhouse 'alternative restaurant'
    10.01

    When talking about "alternative" or counter media, one must distinguish between fake news, the producers of which are at least self-aware, and partisan media, which rejects anything not fitting their worldview as biased or outright false, ERR Opinion editor Rain Kooli writes in his opinion piece.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Reform Party needs to make a number of changes
    06.01

    Estonian society is expecting changes from the Reform Party, including a return to liberal values and losing the attitude that the party is infallible and alone fit to govern the state. Should Saturday’s general assembly produce a result reflecting steps in this direction, this year in politics can be counted as off to a good start, Center Party board member Raimond Kaljulaid writes in an opinion piece published by daily Õhtuleht.

  • foto
    Alo Lõhmus: Administrative reform and the accuracy of the population registry
    05.01

    The disappearance of local governments from the Estonian map is a radical but no doubt effective motivator for registering one’s actual place of residence in the country's population register. Thus there is reason to hope that, regardless of how the population itself is doing at the moment, the country can get at least the population register into model order, Alo Lõhmus finds in his opinion piece.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Security sciences academy in Narva would work against prejudices
    04.01

    Moving the Estonian Academy of Security Sciences to Ida-Viru County would contribute to local development. It would also work against the prejudice Estonians hold against the area, and improve the quality of state institutions, the Justice Ministry’s deputy secretary general for the Prison Department, Priit Kama, wrote in an opinion piece in daily Postimees.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Pevkur can become chairman of Reform only if able to mobilize less active party members
    2016

    Michal had the current inner circle of the party on his side. Pevkur needed to mobilize party members that were much less active in order to win, political commentators Hannes Rumm and Anvar Samost said on Sunday. In addition, he couldn’t bring up the pary’s 2012 financing scandal and Michal’s involvement in it, as it might cost him additional support.

  • foto
    Peeter Helme: What kind of conservatism does Estonia need?
    2016

    Estonia needs a unifying conservatism. In a society in which left-wing and liberal forces are taking advantage of people’s various understandings of nationalism, immigration, same-sex unions, gender roles or family models, nothing unifying can come from anywhere but the conservative wing, writes ERR editor Peeter Helme in his opinion piece.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Open Enterprise Estonia’s consultation services and assessments to competition
    2016

    Enterprise Estonia handed out advice to companies, and assessed whether or not they should receive public support, without being economically accountable, lawyer Taivo Ruus wrote in a Postimees opinion piece on Monday. This needed to change, and these activities delegated to professionals.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: The Reform Party’s new role
    2016

    After 17 years in government, Reform needed to find to a new role, and instead of being the manager of the Estonian state become a debater. How the party would get used to its new position, no longer able to dictate the political agenda, remained to be seen, said political scientist Mari-Liis Jakobson in a comment on Vikerraadio on Friday.

  • foto
    Andrus Karnau: Minister of Rural Affairs likely to be replaced
    2016

    Speaking on Sunday’s Raadio 2 broadcast of "State of the Union," radio show host Andrus Karnau found that the scandal to break out last week involving Martin Repinski’s goat farm was likely to culminate on Monday in his replacement as a minister of the newly-installed Estonian government.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Baltic states on front line of new Cold War
    2016

    While the Baltic states would prefer full defensive capability, NATO is emphasizing its reinforcements’ function as a deterrent. The alliance would have to round off its military presence in the area with diplomacy, and political stability and dedication to liberal democratic values would play an important role maintaining the West’s solidarity, columnist Ahto Lobjakas wrote in an opinion piece published in daily Postimees.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Putting Rail Baltica in its strategic context
    2016

    In an opinion piece in daily Postimees, former EU commissioner Siim Kallas points out that Rail Baltica goes far beyond considerations of its route on Estonian soil, and the money the government will have to invest. On the contrary, there is a broader European meaning that includes considering the strategic situation of Estonia.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Dynasties and democracy don't go well together
    2016

    Speaking about the recent US presidential elections on Vikerraadio’s Sunday broadcast of "Samost and Rumm," hosts Anvar Samost and Hannes Rumm recognized that Donald Trump’s election win is being considered as the destruction of two political dynasties there, however democracy and dynasties don’t go well together anyway.

  • foto
    Opinion: Estonia’s lasting isolation
    2016

    The fact that too many foreign journalists do not understand the Estonian language, and that they have no access to the local political culture and its players, has distorted reports abroad of what happened this week, writes ERR News editor Dario Cavegn.

  • foto
    Alo Lõhmus: Left turns and ‘silent submission’
    2016

    The embarrassing conflation of the Reform Party’s self-image with the Estonian state is proof that it is high time they are sent into opposition, says journalist Alo Lõhmus.

  • foto
    Opinion: Getting rid of ruling party's privileges doesn't damage Estonia's reputation
    2016

    On Friday, the ministers of the Social Democrats (SDE) and the Pro Patra and Res Publica Union (IRL) began calling back Reform Party members from the boards of state-owned companies and funds. The Reform Party’s reaction was an announcement published on Sunday — a rather strange one, finds ERR News editor Dario Cavegn.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Ärma is more than just numbers
    2016

    Ärma Farm’s funding scandal was overshadowing the achievements of Toomas Hendrik Ilves’ presidency, including the fact that Estonia had benefited from state visits that Ilves hosted in Ärma, Prime Minister Taavi Rõivas (Reform) said to ERR on Thursday.

  • foto
    Benno Schirrmeister: Do Estonians dream of electric sheep?
    2016

    On a journalist exchange in Estonia, Benno Schirrmeister of Bremen’s TAZ is highly informed, yet a blank slate as far as a foreigner’s experience of Estonia is concerned. In his first op-ed about Tallinn, he spots something beyond IT that Estonia could advertise — but doesn’t.

  • foto
    Erkki Bahovski: Was 1940 approach better than modern journalism's 'war hysteria'?
    2016

    Linguist Urmas Sutrop has claimed that Estonian journalism is scaring people with the specter of war. Editor-in-Chief of monthly magazine Diplomaatia Erkki Bahovski, however, doesn’t agree.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Kremlin in danger of losing sense of reality
    2016

    According to Ingo Mannteufel, head of the Department for Russia and Europe at Deutsche Welle, there is a possibility of the Kremlin starting to believe its own propaganda, which could lead to dangerous decisions both domestically and internationally.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Estonia’s stagnating politics
    2016

    Estonia’s largest political parties had been going through the most serious crisis in their existence, and on top of that they had lost their most important function, namely to formulate a vision of the country’s future, daily Postimees wrote in its Friday editorial.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Putin exploiting power vacuum created by U.S. presidential elections
    2016

    According to director of Tallinn’s International Centre for Defence and Security and former ambassador to Russia, Jüri Luik, the increased tensions over the past few weeks between Russia and the West indicate Putin’s wish to exploit the ambiguous mood before the U.S. presidential elections as much as possible.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Time to return to discussing serious issues
    2016

    In a stinging opinion piece in published in the daily Eesti Päevaleht, member of the Riigikogu Eerik-Niiles Kross (Reform) condemned the Estonian media as well as the country’s elites for their obsession with what he sees as pointless topics, while disregarding the last few weeks’ unsettling developments concerning Russia.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Legally speaking, everything is proper
    2016

    After Toomas Hendrik Ilves’ decade in office, and after he promoted Estonia like no other president did before him, his legacy is now tainted by the fact that he seems to have gone for a substantial state grant in 2006 that he never put to use — and of which he will now pay back just a tenth.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Closer to Warsaw, farther away from Estonia
    2016

    In a recent opinion piece in daily Postimees, columnist Ahto Lobjakas wrote that one way to look at Rail Baltic was as a step towards the level other countries had already reached in terms of speed and comfort of their railway connections. The main weakness of this point of view was the fact that in Estonia, it lacked the necessary social context.

  • foto
    Opinion digest: Leadership change in Reform needed for potential coalition with Center Party
    2016

    For a potential future coalition with the Center Party, the Reform Party needed to change its leader as well, Social Democratic MP and chairman of the Riigikogu’s Foreign Affairs Committee Sven Mikser wrote in a comment on social media on Friday.

  • foto
    Matthew Crandall: President Ilves’ global impact
    2016

    The greatest accomplishment of President Toomas Hendrik Ilves is that he branded Estonia as a modern and innovative 21st century country, and brought it out of post-Soviet obscurity, writes Tallinn University’s Matthew Crandall.

  • foto
    The shackles of history and modern life in the fast lane: Estonia's experience in the migration crisis
    2016

    The uncertain public performances of Estonian politicians and poor explanatory work were to blame for a considerable increase in public distrust during the migration crisis, found ERR journalist Greete Palmiste, working in Bremen on an international journalists' exchange, in an opinion piece written for German publication taz.die Tageszeitung.