Birk-Vellemaa pushed back on discourse around diversity of gender identities being described as "madness."

"It's something we're not used to," she acknowledged, referring to society as a whole. "Where has this come from? The more, the longer we study people, the more we figure out the human experience, and ask people themselves what their experiences are, the more curious we are, the more we see this diversity in our everyday lives, beyond the studies and research."

In turn, the more people articulate their own identities, she continued, adding that she wasn't just talking about young folks. "We talk about young people as a gateway of sorts, but more and more adults, middle-aged folks are also recognizing themselves in what young people have expressed," she said. "I think that is progress. And progress often not being in a direction people are comfortable with is inevitable and typical."

Asked how often she encounters people through her work affected by issues surrounding gender identity, the sexologist described a variety of people who are impacted one way or another by gender diversity, whether it's their own experience or that of their partner's, or gender-affirming parents seeking respite from others who judge them as parents for being supportive of their own children. She added that it's a relevant topic among students with whom she works as well.

"Let's just say that their willingness to talk about these issues is a whole different story compared with adults," she said.

"Part of why they often aren't willing to talk to adults either is because [some] adopt the attitude that this is wrong," she continued. "You see a kind of patronizing attitude of 'The fact is that you don't know anything or understand what's going on, and that is in fact how the world works – that there are only men and only women.'"

Birk-Vellemaa pointed out that from an anthropological perspective, if you look at cultures, including various cultural histories, from all over the world, you'll find people who don't fit within a man-woman gender binary in many different cultures.

She also highlighted that on the individual level, you'll also see adults, even middle-aged people, who feel more validated and supported and may gain more clarity about their own identities based on what younger generations are expressing.

"How we manifest gender – today I am manifesting it by having put on a dress, and then put on sneakers with that dress, because that is how I manifest gender," the sexologist explained. "Each of us actually manifests gender in our own, unique way. That's one means of expressing gender. But not just gender; I don't believe this is only a matter of gender expression."

Addressing the cliche question about what does a boy putting on a skirt and painting his nails make him, she also addressed the double standard demonstrated by this.

"Actually, isn't that interesting? A boy puts on a dress and then we start questioning their gender identity, but nowadays, if I had come here wearing pants – it's somehow okay for women to more broadly play around with gender self-expression, without being questioned," she said. "I don't know, people just use it as a form of self-expression; it doesn't just say anything about their sexuality or gender identity."

Asked to define "queer ideology" ("kväärideoloogia"), Birk-Vellemaa replied that the word "ideology" is a very loaded word, adding that "queer ideology" is difficult to define.

"This is such a loaded expression, and I get the feeling the idea is to douse queer folks' experiences in a sort of propaganda dressing," she said. "That 'this is an ideology, this is kind of like brainwashing, this is–' and if we look at the media landscape and these so-called 'discussions' – these aren't actually really discussions so much as this kind of really loud....  bellowing with words on social media."

Affirming support vital within families

With summer vacation here, various generations are spending more time together, including grandchildren visiting their grandparents, but according to the anthropologist, while there is a general trend toward younger people being more open and accepting, that doesn't necessarily mean that all parents are accepting and all grandparents are more closed-minded – or vice versa. Either way, the key is providing kids and teens with support.

"We need to belong, we need to be heard – we need a safe space to share, where there is curiosity," Birk-Vellemaa described.

"Where they can speak not just [so the adult] can say, 'OK now you told me, now I'm gonna start diagnosing you,' but 'Talk because I really want to know; I'm genuinely interested,'" she continued. "And it's very much okay to say 'I don't understand all of this.' I don't understand everything either! I can't identify with everyone because my clients' stories, for example, aren't my stories. I identify as a cisgender woman; I was born [and was assigned] a girl and grew up as a girl, and I identify as a woman. I don't have to completely understand everything in order to accept it, or to give space to experiment and explore."

What's important, as she always stresses to parents, is to tell young folks that your door is always open.

"'I'll always be waiting for you' or 'I'm willing to talk to you, even if sometimes I'm angry or don't understand everything; I still love you' and so on," she suggested, adding that these all may seem like just cliches, but they're not.

Even within Estonian society more specifically, the sexologist said she has not seen people who "are exploiting our young people for some sort of 'gender propaganda.'"

"I see people working, putting their heart into it, their soul – experiencing a great deal of resistance themselves – working so that these people, including young folks – but I'm not just talking about young people – whose sexuality isn't hetero, whose gender identity isn't binary – so that these people can have a safer environment," she highlighted. "So that these people can have a safe community to which to turn."

Birk-Vellemaa said that she is often asked whether "it's a phase" for someone or whether it will pass, and said that sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't.

"People are diverse, including in terms of gender and sexuality," she emphasized. "What's crucial is that we don't cut off that opportunity to talk purely because they don't feel safe."

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